For the first time in years, the summer holiday felt long and luxurious. I felt that I actually had time. Time to spend with my daughters, husband, other family members, friends. Time to do things: go on holiday, read, do some work to prepare for the autumn. Time to write and set the healing process in place.
To be honest, until the next holiday my blog posts are going to be shorter and possibly less frequent, due to not having the time to write – but we will see.
Today’s ‘sermon’ is about counting your blessings, and I’ll get straight to it. You see the weekend that had just past, I couldn’t sleep a wink. I’d been away from the daily routine of work for so long it seemed, I became anxious and without wanting to, began torturing myself by questioning my abilities. What if I couldn’t do it anymore? I’d recently been promoted to leading a team – what if I’d lost my leadership skills and couldn’t do it anymore? What if people asked me questions and I didn’t know the answers? What if? What if? What if….? And these ‘what if’s’ plagued me incessantly for the whole weekend. So I woke up on Monday morning and did what I have always done, for as long I can remember, put on my ‘I am brave and confident mask’- and drove into work.
What I always find amazing about people is that even though we may be plagued with self-doubt – we also have the incredible ability to get up, turn up and get on with it! The second that I walked into through the door, walked down the corridor and got into my room, I felt at home again. Immediately, the questions and queries started – and I knew what to say; there were things to be done – and of course I knew how to do it.
The first few days back at work have been draining and intense, as they always are – but so, so fantastically satisfying. For the first time in weeks I have slept as sound as….a log I suppose. Waking up, looking forward to the day ahead, knowing it’s going to be challenging – but waking up everyday knowing that I am going to do something that I love.
Years ago, I remember being in the office of my very first boss, in my very first job, looking around nervously, wondering why I had been summoned there. It was nothing to worry about though, he simply wanted to make sure that I had settled in and was ok. During our conversation, I remember telling him – and meaning it in earnest, that I wanted to make a difference to the lives of the people that I worked with. I’m not really sure what made me share that with him, because even as the words flew out of my mouth, I thought that he would laugh at me, or think that I was ridiculous, but he didn’t…
Sometimes my job is hard, sometimes it’s frustrating, sometimes thankless – but even on the toughest of days, I know that my 22 year old self is still there – still trying to make a difference to people. She is still trying to do what she set out to do all those years ago.
So, on the hardest days – I still count my blessings and feel a huge sense of gratitude about what I have. All the basic needs: shelter, food, warmth, love. Choices in life. A purpose, both personally and professionally.